Excerpt: Robin Hood's Day Off (1)

Once upon a time, before the first Harry Potter book was even made into a film, there was a man called Robin Hood. Robin Hood was a hero, but he wasn't really much good a being a hero. He was always doing things wrong.

Robin Hood had two friends called Little John and Will Scarlet. Little John was big and tall, and had often been mistaken for a giant. And, like a giant, he wasn't very clever. He was always pulling up trees. But was fantastic at cooking soup. Not that soup had been invented yet. Just shows that he was ahead of his time, eh?

Will Scarlet was Robin and John's faithful companion. He was a bit like a puppy, always bouncy, always ready to obey. He was also quite clever, and loved playing games. He would often make plans, but because he was away with the fairies a lot of the time, he would write his plan on a piece of paper, or a stick, or bark, and then put it in the fire by accident. Once, he'd even written his plan on the back of Maid Marian's skirt.

Excerpt: Letters to Davey - Falling Leaves

Davey,

It was sunny today. I went down to the park and sat on the bench where you kissed me that first time - do you remember? I just sat there today, and watched the autumn leaves falling off the old oak tree that was hit by the lightening two years back - that night when you and I had our first date. Have you ever noticed how beautiful all the colours of the leaves are? People say they're orange and brown and red, but there's every colour in between, and more besides. You were the one who taught me to notice things like that.

I pulled out that old portrait you painted of me last summer. I look happy. I'm sure you made me look prettier than I really am - I told you so at the time - but you wouldn't listen. You always did flatter me.

And sometimes I believed you.

Excerpt: Letters to Davey

Davey,

I don't know why I'm writing to you. You're never going to read this. I just suppose that maybe this might help me to sort myself out. So could you please just listen to me, like you always used to? You're very good at listening. So could you put up with me for just a little bit more? Just while I work everything out. This might help. It might not. But I've got nothing to lose.

Thank you, Davey Boy.

Excerpt: The Man With the Iron Teeth

I'm going to die.

It hit him like a blade in the stomach, punching air from his lungs and hope from his heart.
Desolation hung on every branch, weighing his legs and slowing his mind. Exhaustion crusted his eyes, freezing the lashes together.

He stumbled, life crumbling beyond his reach, forest spinning out of control.
Boots in the snow.

'I'm going to kill you, Sigfried.' The voice caressed with blazing knives.

Calm.

Quiet.

Evelyn.

She echoed through the trees and watched from the sky. He felt for her strength, and found it among the folds of his heart.

'Yes. I know.'

The man smiled. His teeth were iron, his eyes moltern. Like an inquisitive child, he pulled a knife from the folds of his cloak. Heaven reflected from its blade.

And then Sigfried was falling, clutching his wife's hand with tight fingers. He saw her face, heard her voice; as red and white turned to black.

Then the man with the iron teeth laughed over the corpse of his friend. He had the cunning of the fox, the strength of the bear, and the hunger of the wolf.

But if you cut him open, you'd find no heart at all.

Excerpt: Charlie Broker

Does the weather have any variation in this goddamn country?! Jesus, if I wanted cold and wet, I’d be an Eskimo.

Look, I’m in a bad mood, I’ve got a hangover, it’s goddamn pissing it down, so if you’ve got any sense at all you’ll stay out of my way. I usually work alone. No prizes for guessing why. Got that?

I slump into the office. And yes, it is possible. It’s my preferred way of walking, especially when I had one over the eight the night before. Yeah, I’m late. So what? I’m not the best they’ve got, and don’t I know it, but I get the job done an I’m not afraid of gun-toting maniacs, because, frankly, I usually have a bigger gun.

‘Hey, Broker, yet your ass over here.’

So this is the day the boss decides to wake up and take a passing interest in anything other than the stereotypical tea and doughnuts. Just my luck, innit?

‘Hey, boss,’ I say, leaning against the door-jamb for effect. Well, I’m the most stylish one in the office, you gotta admit. Plus I don’t trust myself to stand up straight, and at least this way I’ll have an excuse when I fall over. ‘Sup?’

He glares at me from across his desk, swirling the dregs of his tea round in his mug. He looks a bit like a bull terrier. I never really noticed it till now. I never really cared till now. And I don’t even care now.

Huh.

‘You’d better start talking. I don’t like people who turn up late.’

‘Since when did you care? I can’t bloody teleport. Ever heard of a traffic jam?’ I’m crossing the barrier, I know, but I really don’t give a damn. I’ve just about had enough of this goddamn office with all the same goddamn people in it doing the same goddamn things. It makes me want to shoot someone. Which is not the best mood for me to be in when being interviewed by my boss.

‘No one likes a smart-ass, Broker. Least of all me.’

‘Save me the lecture. I’ve heard it all before.’

He grunts. At least he has the decency to admit he’s lectured the whole office within an inch of its life on several occasions before. ‘You got anything for me?’

‘It’s only day one. I’m working on it, okay?’

‘Well, you’d better work faster. I’ve just about had enough of you.’

‘Sure you have. It’s pretty much a mutual feeling right now.’

He glowers. It’s another stalemate. Although technically I won. Now he’s gonna grumble something about standards and soothe his wounded pride in a large doughnut.

‘The standards were so much higher in my day. You’d’ve been out on your ear, Broker,’ he mutters, reaching for a doughnut.

Jesus, he is just so predictable.