Play: Bluebeard & Rapunzel

 This is the final play in my fairytale trio, which began with Snow White, progressed to Hansel and Gretel & Little Red Riding Hood, and is now ending with one of the most chilling and lesser-known fairytales of all time - Bluebeard. Although, of course, my adaption is anything but chilling. Comic, yes. Chilling, no. Yet again, the cast numbers are very flexible, although I wrote it for a big Ensemble. It is also the longest of my three plays, but should still be around the 20 minute mark.

CHARACTERS:
Bluebeard
Narrator 1
Narrator 2
Anna
Sister
Wives
Rapunzel
Witch
Prince
Woman
Man
Brothers
Ensemble


SCENE ONE
the cottage
ENSEMBLE crouch in a line CS facing SR. WOMAN and MAN are SR, NARR.s 1 & 2 standing DSC.

NARR. 1: This is a tale of love and betrayal...
NARR. 2: And hair. Lots of hair.

They split and go DSR and DSL respectively.

NARR. 1: There once was a man who had a beautiful young wife.  And although they were poor, they had everything they wanted.
NARR. 2: Apart from cabbages.
NARR. 1: Yes, I'm coming to that. Well, one day, the man's wife came to him and said:
WOMAN: I'm pregnant.
NARR. 2: Which was a little bit of a shock...
MAN: What?!
NARR. 2: But hey.
NARR. 1: That's just the way the cookie crumbles. But anyway, there they were, expecting a baby.  And as women do, when they're expecting-
NARR. 2: This man's wife started having cravings.
NARR. 1: For cabbages. Now, just across their garden wall was a lovely field, full to the brim of cabbages.
WIFE: Oh, I really could just do with a cabbage right now... You couldn't just hop over the garden wall and bring me back a cabbage, could you?
MAN: Er...
NARR. 2: The only thing was-
NARR. 1: It belonged to their friendly neighbourhood witch.
MAN: But it belongs to our friendly neighbourhood witch! (aside) Who's not actually that friendly at all - who wrote this script?!
NARR. 2: Which, as you can imagine, put a dampener on things somewhat.
NARR. 1: Indeed.
MAN: I'm sorry. I wish I could get you a cabbage, but I just can't risk it! What if she saw me? She'd turn me into a frog, or something.
WOMAN: Hey, stop ad-libbing. It says here: 'man jumps over the wall and gets his wife a cabbage'. Off you pop.
MAN: Dammit.
NARR. 1: And there's just no arguing with the script, I'm afraid.

MAN jumps over the wall and into the cabbage patch. Everyone watches tensely. He picks a cabbage and is nearly over the wall again when WITCH appears SL.

WITCH: (outraged) What are you doing in my garden?! 
NARR. 1: Aw, dammit - I thought we'd got away with that one.
MAN: I'm sorry, I really really am, but you see the script, it says-
WITCH: I'm not interested in your pathetic excuses, you little thief! But... I shall be willing to offer you a deal...
MAN: You will? Oh, that's good. Thanks, and all that.
NARR. 1: But the witch's deal was very unfair.
NARR. 2: They often are - have you noticed that?
NARR. 1: Yeah... Hmm. Odd, that. Anyway. The witch's deal was-
WITCH: Yes, thank you, I can talk.
NARR. 1: (makes some general offended noise) Fine, suit yourself. (sulks)
WITCH: In exchange for that cabbage, you must give me your first-born daughter. 
NARR. 2: And the man-
NARR. 1: Who was incredibly dim-
NARR. 2: Said yes.
MAN: Yes!

WITCH exits, cackling. MAN climbs back over the wall and presents the cabbage to WOMAN.

NARR. 2: But when the man told his wife what he'd done-
NARR. 1: She wasn't at all impressed.
WOMAN: YOU DID WHAT?!?
NARR. 2: Nine months later-
NARR. 1: When the baby was born-
NARR. 2: They named her 'Rapunzel'. (to NARR. 1) Why do you suppose they called her that?
NARR. 1: (shrugs) Dunno. But, the long and short of it is, two things happened shortly afterwards:
NARR. 2: The witch came back for her promised daughter-

WITCH enters SL.

WITCH: I've come back for my promised daughter!
MAN: There you go. (gives her a bundle)

WITCH exits SL.


NARR. 1: And the wife booted out her husband.
WOMAN: Off you go.

MAN exits SR.


SCENE TWO
the inside of the tower
ENSEMBLE move to make a semi-circle, facing inwards. There is a window SR. RAPUNZEL is CS, WITCH is brushing her hair.

NARR. 2: The witch cared for Rapunzel as if she were her own daughter.
NARR. 1: Apart from the 'locked alone in a tower with no door' part.
NARR. 2: Yeah, I forgot about that.
NARR. 1: And so the years passed, and Rapunzel grew into a beautiful young girl.
NARR. 2: With very, very long hair.
NARR. 1: Yeah, I've always wondered about that. Well, talking about hair, I think it's probably time we met the other hero of our story, don't you?
NARR. 2: What, the bearded one?
NARR. 1: Yes. Him.


SCENE THREE
the castle
ENSEMBLE stay in their semi-circular positions but turn to face outwards instead. The window is no longer there. BLUEBEARD stands CS facing the audience.

NARR. 1: Now, there was once a very rich man who also happened to be very ugly.
NARR. 2: It's surprising how often those two go together.
NARR. 1: Quite. Well, because he was so ugly, everyone avoided him-
NARR. 2: Actually, there was another reason as well, you see-
NARR. 1: Yes yes, I was just coming to that. Well, you see, it had to do with Bluebeard's wives...

NARR. 1 goes to stand CS just behind BLUEBEARD, who turns to face SL. ANNA enters SL and stops CS, just opposite BLUEBEARD. They hold hands.

NARR. 1: (to ANNA) Do you take this man to be your awful- I mean, lawful wedded husband?

WIVES around the circle in the ENSEMBLE quickly turn to face the audience in turn. After they've spoken, they turn back to face outwards.

WIVES: (in turn) I do.
ANNA: I do.
NARR. 1: (to ANNA) Good luck.

NARR. 1 walks back to DSR. As NARR.s 1 & 2 speak, ANNA and BLUEBEARD walk around in a slow circle.

NARR. 1: (as he walks) You see, Bluebeard had married quite a few women before, so he was a bit of a dab hand at this whole marriage lark. But it also meant that no one really trusted him. Each of his wives died shortly after their marriage, and although he said that they died in childbirth, of fever, of falling off their horse, of eating bad eels - or whatever - no one actually knew.
NARR. 2: So people sort of thought of him as a bogeyman.
NARR. 1: He was just a pretty scary guy all over, actually.
NARR. 2: Well. Anyway.
NARR. 1: Yes, where was I? Oh, yes, Bluebeard's latest wife. Anna.

BLUEBEARD and ANNA reach CS again. They immediately split and mime eating dinner at a long table. BLUEBEARD goes CSR, ANNA CSL.

NARR. 1: Good point. Okay. Anna married Bluebeard, and they were happy for a time. Anna, originally just a poor peasant girl, loved Bluebeard's beautiful chateau. But then, one night at dinner, Bluebeard said:
BLUEBEARD: I have an announcement to make. I have been called out of the country on business, and shan't be returning for a month. I leave at dawn tomorrow.
ANNA: Oh!
BLUEBEARD: In my absence, you are in charge of my castle. I want you to take very great care of it. (he walks over to ANNA, pulling the keys out of his pocket) Here are the keys to all the rooms in the chateau. (he hands them to ANNA) Please feel free to have a look in all of the rooms. What's mine is yours. BUT.
NARR. 1: And this was the clinch.
BLUEBEARD: (to NAAR. 1) Shut up. (to ANNA) This key opens a door that you must never enter. I want you to swear to me that you will never go in this room, whatever happens. Do I have your promise?
ANNA: Yes, you do.
BLUEBEARD: (handing her the key) Good. Now, it's late. I should go and pack.

He exits SR.


SCENE FOUR
the tower 
ENSEMBLE remain in their semi-circular positions, but turn to face inwards again. They make the window SR again. RAPUNZEL is CS, reading a book. Or something.

NARR. 1: Okay, back to Rapunzel now.
NARR. 2: Now, here she was, in a tower with no stairs and no door.
NARR. 1: So every day, when the witch wanted to visit Rapunzel, she would stand at the bottom of the tower and shout:
WITCH: (from offstage) Rapunzel! Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!
NARR. 1: Actually, I'm sure she didn't shout that. She probably shouted something more like:
WITCH: (from offstage) Oi! Rapunzel! Chuck your hair down, will you?
NARR. 2: Yeah, that's much more realistic.
NARR. 1: Okay. So. After about nineteen years of chucking her hair down the outside of a tower every five minutes, Rapunzel started to get a little bit bored.
NARR. 2: She did a lot of daydreaming, too.
RAPUNZEL: Oh, I do wish that something would actually happen, just once. Anything. (Within reason.)
NARR. 1: And then, you know what? Something did happen.


SCENE FIVE
the outside of the tower
Most of ENSEMBLE stand around being trees and shrubs, while the taller ones gather SL in a sort of semi-circle, like the base of the tower. WITCH enters SR and walks SL.

NARR. 1: One day, when the witch went to see Rapunzel... 

PRINCE enters SL, walking slowly, trying not to be seen by the WITCH. A couple of times, WITCH glances round and PRINCE hides behind a tree.

NARR. 1: A prince who happened to be riding by saw her, and decided to follow her.
NARR. 2: As you do.

WITCH exits SL. PRINCE is CS.

WITCH: (from offstage) Oi! Rapunzel! Chuck your hair down, will you? 
PRINCE: What the... ?

As NARR. 1 speaks, PRINCE looks gradually further upwards (like he's watching WITCH climbing).

NARR. 1: The prince watched in surprise as the witch climbed up the outside of the tower.
PRINCE: I must find out what beautiful maiden lives up in that tower!
NARR. 2: He decided.
NARR. 1: (He was particularly poetic, this prince.) And so he waited patiently as it grew darker and darker. Eventually, he saw the witch climbing down the outside of the tower again, and hid as she passed.

WITCH enters SL, looking around her, and hurries offstage SR.

NARR. 2: And then he decided to pay a visit to Rapunzel.
PRINCE: I shall pay a visit to that beautiful maiden!
NARR. 1: Huh. Not very original, is he?


SCENE SIX
the tower 
ENSEMBLE move to make a semi-circle, facing inwards. There is a window SR. RAPUNZEL is CS.

NARR. 1: Rapunzel was sitting in her tower, all alone, felling pretty rotten and lonely, when-
PRINCE: (from offstage) O fairest maiden, let down your golden hair!
RAPUNZEL: What?!

She runs SR to the window and looks out.

RAPUNZEL: (in a stage-whisper) Who are you?
PRINCE: (from offstage) I am a prince, O fairest maiden!
RAPUNZEL: OMG (spelling it out) A real actual prince! Sure, come on up!

She throws her hair out of the window.

NARR. 1: And so the prince climbed up Rapunzel's hair... And through the window.

PRINCE appears SR and climbs through the window.

RAPUNZEL: Hi. I'm Rapunzel.
PRINCE: O fairest maiden! Song of my heart!
NARR. 1: (aside) Definitely poetic.
PRINCE: You are all that I dreamed you would be and more! Please, say you will come with me to my palace where we shall be wed and live for ever in peace and harmony!
RAPUNZEL: Sure, I would, but there's just the small problem of me being in this tower. With no stairs and no door. So... Do you have a plan, or... ?
PRINCE: Ah. Yes. Well... Um. I'll think of something. Don't worry, my love, I shall invent a plan so cunning that-
NARR. 1: Yeah yeah yeah, you get the picture.
NARR. 2: Did he come up with a plan?
NARR. 1: Yes. Eventually.
PRINCE: I've got it! I'll come to you every day, after the witch has been, and I'll bring you silk which you can weave into a ladder!
RAPUNZEL: Or, you could bring me a rope ladder. Just a thought.
PRINCE: Good point.
NARR. 1: Okay. Well, folks, we're going to leave Rapunzel for a bit and jog on back to Bluebeard. Or rather, his latest wife, Anna.


SCENE SEVEN
a corridor
ENSEMBLE move into a straight line US with their backs to the audience, apart from two who are standing SL facing each other being doors. ANNA enters SR and as NARR. 1 is speaking, enters the room.

NARR. 1: So, for three wonderful weeks, Anna enjoyed herself by looking through all the rooms in the castle, exploring all the different chests and cupboards and wardrobes. She found statues and tapestries and dresses, and goodness only knows what else. 
NARR. 2: In the fourth week, she started to get lonely, so she invited her sister to come and stay with her.

Enter SISTER SR. ANNA comes out of the room and closes the doors behind her. She goes to meet SISTER CS. They embrace.

ANNA: I'm so glad to see you!
SISTER: Me too! Well, are you going to show me around?

SISTER runs off SL.


NARR. 1: But not even the arrival of her sister could keep Anna's mind off that last room, the one she hadn't yet entered...

ANNA, CS, pulls the key from her pocket.

SISTER: (from offstage) Anna! Are you coming? I can't show myself around, you know!
ANNA: One minute!

ANNA runs off SL.

NARR. 1: (looking after ANNA) Do you suppose she'll go in the forbidden room?
NARR. 2: She might...
NARR. 1: What, without us? Let's go catch up with her, eh? After all, we want to be there when she opens the door...


SCENE EIGHT
a corridor
ENSEMBLE don't really move, except the door is now CS. All the WIVES are hidden behind it. ANNA enters SR and starts towards the door.

NARR. 1: Oh yes, we were right!
NARR. 2: The next day-
NARR. 1: Five days before Bluebeard was due to return-
NARR. 2: Anna left her sister finishing dinner-
NARR. 1: And decided to open the last door.

ANNA stops CS in front of the door. She looks at the key in her hand.

ANNA: (to herself) What should I do? Argh, I really want to see what's inside! But Bluebeard did tell me not to...
NARR. 1: Oh, stop being stupid. What could he possibly have in there? Go on - open it!
ANNA: Alright. Okay. Yes. Fine. C'mon. Right.

She unlocks the door. Immediately, all the WIVES fall out of the door. ANNA screams, jumps backwards, and drops the key.

NARR. 1: No! Anna, you idiot!
ANNA: What've I done now? Look what he's got in his cupboard! 'Nothing bad' you said! Yeah, right!
NARR. 2: You've dropped the key!
NARR. 1: (longsufferingly) In a pool of blood. I know.
ANNA: Oh my god, please, can one of you help me close this door?
NARR. 1: Fine.

NARR.s 1 & 2 help ANNA to shut the door and lock it.

NARR. 1: (to ANNA) You'd better go wash the blood of that key before Bluebeard gets home.
ANNA: Oh, of course, I forgot about that. I'll go do that now...

She exits SL.

NARR. 2: (looking after her) I hope she'll be okay...
NARR. 1: Yeah... Me too...


SCENE NINE
the outside of the tower
Most of ENSEMBLE stand around being trees and shrubs, while the taller ones gather SL in a sort of semi-circle, like the base of the tower. PRINCE enters SR and walks CS.

NARR. 1: Back at Rapunzel's tower, the prince was waiting for the witch to leave so he could help Rapunzel to escape with the rope ladder he'd just bought...
WITCH: (from offstage) Bye, see you!
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) Bye!

WITCH enters SL and walks SR. PRINCE hides behind a tree. WITCH exits SR and he comes out again and goes SL.

PRINCE: (staring up at the tower) Rapunzel?
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) Oh, I thought you'd never come! Have you got the rope ladder?
PRINCE: Right with me!
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) Okay, I'll chuck my hair down, then.

PRINCE exits SL. NARR.s 1 & 2 are watching him climb up but then NARR. 2 glances over SR and notices WITCH, who's entering SR.

NARR. 2: Err...
NARR. 1: (seeing WITCH) Uh-oh. Um... Rapunzel?
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) What?
NARR. 2: The witch is here!
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) Oh no!
PRINCE: (from offstage) What do I do?!
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage) Quick, hide in here!

WITCH exits SL.

WITCH: (from offstage) Oi! Rapunzel! Chuck your hair down, will you?
RAPUNZEL: (from offstage, flustered) Er... Yes! Just coming!
NARR. 1: Oh dear...


SCENE TEN
the tower
ENSEMBLE move to make a semi-circle, facing inwards. There is a window SR. RAPUNZEL is SR, pulling on her hair. PRINCE is hiding behind some item of furniture SL. WITCH enters SR and climbs through the window. RAPUNZEL goes CS.

RAPUNZEL: Hello. Um. Did you forget something? 
WITCH: Yes... Actually, no. I heard voices. Is everything okay?
NARR. 1: (despairing) Oh no!
RAPUNZEL: Uh, yes, everything's absolutely fine, completely wonderful, is there anything you need, only I'm a little tired...
WITCH: Don't worry my dear, I won't keep you long...

She starts looking around the room for PRINCE.

NARR. 2: Oh no...

WITCH finds PRINCE.

WITCH: Aha! I knew something was going on! 
RAPUNZEL: Well, would you look at that - I wonder how he got there?
WITCH: (rounding on RAPUNZEL) You betrayed me!
RAPUNZEL: What? No, I-
WITCH: Get out!

WITCH grabs RAPUNZEL and cuts off all her hair.

RAPUNZEL: No! My hair!
WITCH: Out!

RAPUNZEL exits SR through the window.

WITCH: (turning to PRINCE) You too! Go on. Out.

PRINCE exits SR through the window.

WITCH: (to NARR. 1) What're you looking at?
NARR. 1: Err... (to NARR. 2) I think maybe we should go now...


SCENE ELEVEN
the castle
ENSEMBLE stay in their semi-circular positions but turn to face outwards instead. The window is no longer there. ANNA stands CS facing the audience. An ENSEMBLE member is crouching in front of her as a sink. ANNA is trying to wash the key.

NARR. 2: Hey, Anna.
NARR. 1: Whassup?
ANNA: Urgh, I'm trying to wash the blood off this key, but it's not coming off!
NARR. 1: That's odd.

NARR. 1 stands beside ANNA and has a look.

NARR. 1: No, it's not, is it? Hmm. Ah well, you've still got... Five days? Four days? Till Bluebeard comes back.
NARR. 2: Four, I think.
ANNA: Okay. I'll keep trying.

The doorbell rings.

ANNA: Oh, that's the door. You couldn't get it, could you?
NARR. 2: Of course.

NARR. 2 exits SL.

NARR. 1: I wonder who that is... ?

NARR. 2 enters SL leading PRINCE, who is walking unsteadily.

ANNA: Who on earth is that?
NARR. 1: Oh, I recognise you! It's the prince!
PRINCE: What is this? Where am I?
NARR. 2: (aside) He's finally gone mad.
NARR. 1: All that poetry, I think. (to PRINCE) What's the matter with you?
PRINCE: When I fell out of the tower, I landed on some brambles, and managed to blind myself.
NARR. 1: Well, that sucks.
PRINCE: Yeah. (to ANNA) So, I was wondering if I could stay here for a bit.
ANNA: Sure, but my murderer husband is due back in a couple of days, so you might want to leave just before he comes back.
PRINCE: Okay, will do.

The doorbell rings again.

ANNA: Now what is it?
NARR. 2: I'll go check.

NARR. 2 exits SL.

NARR. 1: I'm beginning to feel a bit like a spare part... I mean, I haven't really done any narrating recently... And I don't actually know what's going to happen next... This is all a bit of a learning curve for me...
ANNA: Don't worry, I think you're doing just fine.
NARR. 1: Thanks.

NARR. 2 enters SL at a run.

NARR. 2: It's Bluebeard!
ANNA & NARR. 1: WHAT?!

BLUEBEARD enters SL.

ANNA: Oh, Bluebeard! What a... um... surprise. I thought you weren't due back for a couple of days...
BLUEBEARD: Yes, I was. But I came back early. Who is this?
ANNA: Um, I'm not really sure, but he (motioning to NARR. 1) seems to know him...
NARR. 1: Er, hi. I'm Narrator One, this is Narrator Two. We're not really part of this story at all, actually. We're just going now. Bye.

NARR. 1 goes DSR, NARR. 2 goes DSL. PRINCE exits SR.

NARR. 1: (aside) That was close.
BLUEBEARD: How are you, my dear?
ANNA: (trying to hide the key behind her back) Um, fine, thanks. Er... I'm really tired, so...
BLUEBEARD: Do you have my keys? 
ANNA: Er... yes... (she reluctantly hands him the bunch of keys - all except the bloodied one)
BLUEBEARD: (looking at them) One seems to be missing.
ANNA: Um. Here you go. (she gives him the bloodied key)
BLUEBEARD: Thank you. (he examines the key) What is this? Blood?! You've betrayed me!
ANNA: No, please!
BLUEBEARD: Now you shall join my previous wives, Anna. Say your prayers!
ANNA: Oh, please, can I? Just give me fifteen minutes with my sister to say my prayers. Please!
NARR. 2: Bluebeard was a God-fearing man.
NARR. 1: Apart from the whole serial killer bit.
NARR. 2: So he allowed Anna fifteen minutes with her sister to say her prayers-
NARR. 1: While he prepared to kill them both.


SCENE TWELVE
the castle
ENSEMBLE remain where they are. ANNA and SISTER are CS.

ANNA: Narrators! You have to help me!
NARR. 1: What do you want us to do?!
ANNA: I have three brothers who live near here. Go and tell them my husband is about to murder me! Quickly!
NARR. 2: Okay, I'll go.

NARR. 2 exits SL.

ANNA: (calling after him) Be quick!


SCENE THIRTEEN
the castle
ENSEMBLE don't move from their previous positions. PRINCE is CS. NARR. 2 enters from SR and is walking towards SL. The doorbell rings.

NARR. 2: Who can that be? I'll go see.

He exits SL. Moments later he returns, followed by RAPUNZEL. When she sees PRINCE, she runs to him.

RAPUNZEL: My prince!
PRINCE: Rapunzel!
RAPUNZEL: What happened to you?
PRINCE: Ah, it was stupid. I managed to blind myself on some thorns. Silly mistake.
RAPUNZEL: Oh no, you poor thing!
NARR. 2: I've really got to go and find some guys. Matter of life and death, so... Bye!

He exits SL.


SCENE FOURTEEN
the castle
ENSEMBLE remain in their positions. ANNA and SISTER are CS. BLUEBEARD suddenly enters SR.

BLUEBEARD: Your fifteen minutes are up. Prepare to meet thy doom!
ANNA: I'm sorry, but that's just so clichéd.

BLUEBEARD draws his sword.

NARR. 1: Oh, I can't look! (cringes) Oh, no wait, I have to, don't I? (to the audience) But luckily, at that moment... 

BROTHERS enter SL, followed by NARR. 2, who takes up his DSL position again.

BROTHERS: Anna!
BLUEBEARD: Hey, no fair!
NARR. 1: And so, because of Narrator Two's quick thinking-
NARR. 2: Credit where credit's due.
NARR. 1: The day was saved. Anna's three brothers killed Bluebeard-
BLUEBEARD: Well, they haven't yet.
NARR. 1: Haven't they? (to BROTHERS) What're you waiting for?

BROTHERS kill BLUEBEARD.

NARR. 1: Right. The three brothers killed Bluebeard, and everything was lovely.

PRINCE and RAPUNZEL enter SR.

NARR. 2: Oh, hello. I wondered where you'd got to.
PRINCE: I can see again!
NARR. 1: That was a surprisingly quick recovery. What happened?
RAPUNZEL: I cried on him.
PRINCE: Her tears have healing powers!
NARR.s 1 & 2: Ri-ight.
NARR. 1: Anyway, the long and short of it is-
ALL: Everyone lived happily ever after.
NARR. 1: The end.

Exeunt omnes.

Play: Little Red Riding Hood & Hansel and Gretel

This is another very flexible play, as far as concerns numbers. Again, almost all characters can double up, although it was written for a large cast of around 30, and due to the large amount of physical theatre, the bigger the ensemble, the better! Very few props are needed, and no scenery at all. It should last around 20 minutes. This is the second in a series of three fairytale-based short plays.

CHARACTERS:
Narrator 1
Narrator 2
Little Red Riding Hood
Wolf
Hansel
Gretel
Witch
Grandma
Mother
Father
Duck
Ensemble


SCENE ONE
Hansel and Gretel's house
ENSEMBLE stand in a half-square facing inwards. HANSEL and GRETEL are DSR, MOTHER and FATHER are USL. NARR.s 1&2 are CS.

NARR. 1: This is a story of trickery and magic...
NARR. 2: And happy endings. For some.

NARR.s split. NARR. 1 goes DSL, NARR. 2 goes DSR.

NARR. 1: There once was a family-
NARR. 2: With no food.
NARR. 1: They had been hit particularly hard by the recession, which meant that they were so poor that one night, the mother turned to the father and said:
MOTHER: We haven't any food.
FATHER: Really? Check the cupboard. I'm sure I saw something around here the other day...

MOTHER checks the cupobard.

MOTHER: It's empty.
FATHER: Oh. That's odd. Um. So... Now what do we do?
MOTHER: We have enough bread for us all tomorrow, but that's it. If we keep going like this, we'll all starve.
NARR. 1: And so she came up with a plan...
NARR. 2: A dastardly plan.
MOTHER: Tomorrow, we take the children out into the woods.
FATHER: Oh yes, good idea - we can have a picnic!
MOTHER: (deadpan) No. We leave them there to die.
FATHER: WHAT?!

HANSEL and GRETEL start listening in from DSR.

MOTHER: It's them or us.
FATHER: But they're my kids!
MOTHER: (aside) Yeah, well, they're not  my real kids. (to FATHER) They might be okay... But if we all stay together you can be sure that we will all die. We might as well save some of us.
NARR. 1: The father was a little bit useless and cowardly-
NARR. 2: So he gave in.
NARR. 1: Without a huge amount of encouragement, I might add.
MOTHER: Let's not tell the kids, okay? We don't want to spoil our last evening all together... We'll explain in the morning.

MOTHER and FATHER exit CS.

NARR. 1: This plan might have worked-
NARR. 2: Had Hansel and Gretel not been listening in.
NARR. 1: And so, in fact, they knew their stepmother's whole plan.
GRETEL: Oh no! Hansel, what are we going to do? I can't believe our father just said yes...
HANSEL: It's awful! It's terrible! It's horrendous! It's-
GRETEL: Hansel. Please. Get a grip.
HANSEL: Okay...
GRETEL: So what are we going to do?
HANSEL: Um... Don't worry. I'll come up with something.
NARR. 1: Okay, so we'll leave Hansel to puzzle out an idea between (checks watch) now and tomorrow morning. That means you've got about eight hours, Hansel.
NARR. 2: Think quickly.
HANSEL: Ok, will do.

HANSEL and GRETEL exit CS.

SCENE TWO
the wood
ENSEMBLE move so they are dotted around the stage in tree positions. RED RIDING HOOD enters SL.

NARR. 1: Eight hours later.
HANSEL: (from offstage) Hey, wait! No fair! That so wasn't eight hours!
NARR. 2: Well, we got bored of waiting.
NARR. 1: The next morning, a little girl was walking through the forest.
NARR. 2: Her name was Little Red Riding Hood.
NARR. 1: You may think you know her story.
NARR. 2: You don't.
NARR. 1: And if you did, you probably wouldn't need us, would you?  So it's comforting to us to know that you don't.
NARR. 2: Yeah.
NARR. 1: Anyway. Little Red Riding Hood lived in a cottage with her mother. And every day, she would pack a basket full of lovely food and go through the woods to visit her grandmother, who was in bed and an invalid.
NARR. 2: And lazy. But not many people like to mention that bit.
NARR. 1: Yeah. That too. So Red Riding Hood went off to visit her grandmother, with a basket full of food - cakes and biscuits and little jellies and ice cream and apples and olives and-
NARR. 2: (Red Riding Hood's mother evidently wasn't experiencing quite the same financial crisis that had hit the Hansel and Gretel household.)
NARR. 1: Okay. So Red Riding Hood's off through the forest, yippee, let's go back and see how Hansel and Gretel are fairing. Agreed?
NARR. 2: All this juggling is starting to confuse me...

RED RIDING HOOD exits SR.


SCENE THREE
the forest
Nothing changes from the previous scene. Enter MOTHER, FATHER, HANSEL and GRETEL SR.

MOTHER: Come on, you lot, we're just off for a nice family walk in the forest. Aren't we?

Digs FATHER in the ribs.

FATHER: (unconvincingly) Oh yes, a lovely little family walk, all together, all very nice, very nice indeed...
MOTHER: (aside) Honestly.
NARR. 1: So here they are, strolling through the forest. And Hansel - did you get an idea last night?
HANSEL: Umm... Not really... No...
GRETEL: (aside) Honestly.
MOTHER: (handing some bread to HANSEL) Here, eat something, my lovely little boy.

NARR. 1 motions to HANSEL to drop some breadcrumbs. HANSEL doesn't get it. NARR. 1 creeps up to HANSEL.

NARR. 1: (stage whisper) Drop some breadcrumbs! Then you'll be able to follow them when they leave you alone in the forest.
HANSEL: (stage whisper) Good idea.

NARR. 1 returns DSR. HANSEL starts dropping breadcrumbs. Enter RED RIDING HOOD SR. She sees the breadcrumbs and begins to pick them up and eat them. Neither HANSEL nor GRETEL notices.

NARR. 1: Eventually, they reached the very heart of the forest, and it began to get dark.

They stop CS. Exit RED RIDING HOOD SL.

MOTHER: You two stay here, my lovelies, while your father and I go and find some firewood. Okay? (to FATHER, in a stagewhisper) Come on, come on! (chivvies him offstage SL)
NARR. 1: So off they went, telling the children they'd be back soon.
MOTHER: (from offstage) Back soon!
NARR. 2: But it was a lie!
NARR. 1: And so Hansel and Gretel were left all alone in the forest. 
NARR. 2: Because it was beginning to get dark, Hansel told his sister that they'd better wait out the night, so they could see the breadcrumbs in the morning.
HANSEL: We'd better wait out the night, so we can see the breadcrumbs in the morning. 'Kay?

HANSEL and GRETEL sleep.

NARR. 1: But in the morning, when they awoke...

HANSEL and GRETEL wake up and start looking around for the breadcrumbs.

NARR. 2: They couldn't find the breadcrumbs anywhere!
GRETEL: Where have they gone? You told me you had a plan!
HANSEL: Don't blame me, it was his idea! (points at NARR. 1)
NARR. 1: Hey, don't go passing the blame around - I only gave you the idea because you couldn't come up with one on your own!
NARR. 2: Okay, break it up! Let's not argue with the characters, okay? The bottom line is, the crumbs are gone. They've been eaten by a terrible... BEAST.

On 'beast', RED RIDING HOOD skips from SL to SR.

NARR. 2: In a red coat.
NARR. 1: Talking of beasts in red coats...


SCENE FOUR
the forest
HANSEL and GRETEL exit SR. ENSEMBLE are still dotted around the stage in tree positions, except now they make two distinct paths starting CS and ending SL and SR respectively. RED RIDING HOOD enters SL.

NARR. 1: We left Little Red Riding Hood walking through the forest yesterday morning to take a basket of food to her elderly grandmother.
NARR. 2: And this morning... She's still walking through the forest to take a basket of food to her elderly grandmother.
NARR. 1: She must be a really slow walker.
NARR. 2: Really slow.
NARR. 1: But then she reached a cross in the roads.

RED RIDING HOOD reaches CS.

RED RIDING HOOD: Oh no... I can't seem to remember which way I should go...
NARR. 2: Despite having walked to her grandmother's every day.
NARR. 1: So she's both a slow walker and has short term memory loss. Great.
NARR. 2: But then, luckily, a random wolf came strolling through the forest.

Enter WOLF SL.

WOLF: My my, what is a pretty thing like you doing all alone in the forest?
RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, I was just going to visit my grandmother, who's sick in bed. But I can't seem to remember which path I should take...
NARR. 1: Luckily, this wolf knew the forest very well.
WOLF: Luckily, I know the forest very well. And I'm sure that you should take the left path. It's a shortcut.
NARR. 2: (to NARR. 1) No it's not! What's he doing? (NARR. 1 shrugs)
RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, thank you so much! Well, I'll see you later, then.

RED RIDING HOOD walks along the stage right (audience left) path and exits SR.

WOLF: Ha ha ha! Little does she know that in fact she should have taken the right path! Now I can get to her grandmother's house first!

He runs along the stage left (audience right) path and exits SL.

NARR. 2: Is it just me, or is he incredibly irritating?


SCENE FIVE
the forest & the outside of the witch's house
ENSEMBLE move back to their randomly dotted tree positions (like Scene Three). HANSEL and GRETEL enter SR. They slowly walk SL as the NARR.s talk. The trees behind them 'shuffle' SR as they do so.

NARR. 1: In another part of the forest, Hansel and Gretel were wandering around aimlessly, hoping to find their home.
NARR. 2: Because, if you remember, all their breadcrumbs had been eaten by someone in a red hood... Naming no names, of course.
NARR. 1: Well. Yes. Anyway. There they were, walking along. 
NARR. 2: When they came across a little house in a clearing.

HANSEL and GRETEL stop SL. ENSEMBLE stop shuffling and quickly make a house shape.

NARR. 1: Made entirely of gingerbread and sweeties.
GRETEL: Hansel, look!
NARR. 2: They were so hungry that they began to eat it.
HANSEL: Come on, let's eat!

They begin to eat the house. As they do so, the people being 'eaten' slouch slightly.

NARR. 2: But they hadn't taken into account the owner of the house.

WITCH enters through the house suddenly.

WITCH: Who's been eating my house?! No, wait...
GRETEL: I'm so sorry!
HANSEL: We had no idea...
GRETEL: I mean, we...
HANSEL: We were so hungry-
GRETEL: We haven't eaten for ages, you see...
WITCH: Oh, my poor dears! Of course you must have something to eat - look how skinny you are!
NARR. 1: The children couldn't believe their luck.
NARR. 2: Of course, it wasn't really luck.
NARR. 1: On account of the fact that this seemingly kindly old woman-
NARR. 2: Was in fact a witch.
NARR. 1: And an evil one to boot.
NARR. 2: Aren't they all?
NARR. 1: Good point.


SCENE SIX
Grandma's house
ENSEMBLE stand in the same positions as Scene One. GRANDMA is sitting CS facing the audience.

NARR. 1: In another part of the forest, Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother was eagerly awaiting a visit from her granddaughter. 
NARR. 2: Who was even later now because she'd forgotten which way to go and managed to be directed the wrong way by a passing wolf.
GRANDMA: Where can that girl have got to?
NARR. 1: But then the wolf, having taken a short cut, arrived at Grandma's house...

WOLF enters SR.

GRANDMA: Red? Red, is that you?
NARR. 1: (aside) She was very shortsighted.
WOLF: (in a squeaky voice) Oh, hello, Grandma. I've got some food for you here in my basket.
GRANDMA: Oh, thank you my dear.

WOLF comes around the side of GRANDMA, who recognises him.

GRANDMA: Why, you're not Red Riding Hood at all - you're a dirty great wolf! What are you doing in my house?
WOLF: I'm here to eat you, Grandma.
NARR. 2: He did.

WOLF eats GRANDMA: ENSEMBLE rushes inwards to create a tight circle around WOLF and GRANDMA. GRANDMA screams, WOLF makes general eating noises (these could possibly be sound effects).

NARR. 2: And so that was the end of Grandma.


SCENE SEVEN
inside the witch's house
ENSEMBLE stand in a half-square with SAM and JAMES CS making the oven, and HARVEY and DAN SL making the cage. GRANDMA joins the ENSEMBLE. HANSEL is inside the cage, GRETEL is sweeping, and WITCH is generally being horrible to both of them

NARR. 1: Back at the witch's house-
NARR. 2: Hansel and Gretel had finally realised that this woman-
NARR. 1: Who had seemed so kindly-
NARR. 2: Was in fact up to no good.
NARR. 1: They took their time.
NARR. 2: You're telling me.
WITCH: Sweep faster, you lazy girl!
GRETEL: I'm sweeping as fast as I can.
WITCH: Well, that's not fast enough, is it?
NARR. 1: Anyway. The witch kept the children there for three days-
NARR. 2: And every day, the witch would send Gretel to feed her brother-
NARR. 1: Because the witch wanted to fatten Hansel up-
NARR. 2: And eat him.
NARR. 1: Just so. But luckily, on the fourth day, Gretel realised what was going on-
NARR. 2: And came up with a cunning plan.

GRETEL walks over to the cage with some food, which she gives to HANSEL.

GRETEL: (in a stage whisper) Use this chicken bone - pretend it's your finger.
HANSEL: Okay.

GRETEL walks back SR and starts sweeping up again. WITCH goes over to HANSEL. GRETEL watches.

WITCH: Stick your finger out of the cage so I can see how fat you are.
NARR. 1: But Hansel didn't stick his finger out - instead, he used the chicken bone his sister had given him.

HANSEL sticks the chicken bone out of the cage.

NARR. 1: And so when the witch felt it, she thought he was very thin - far too thin to eat.
NARR. 2: (aside) She was shortsighted as well.
NARR. 1: In fact, I think she was practically blind.
NARR. 2: Well, you'd have to be, to think a chicken bone was actually a finger.
NARR. 1: Exactly. Er - anyway.
WITCH: Dammit - you're still far too thin to eat.
HANSEL & GRETEL: (aside) Phew!

While the NARR.s speak, WITCH turns and gesticulates to GRETEL, occasionally turning to HANSEL and doing the same.

NARR. 1: And so it went on. But on the fifth day-
NARR. 2: The witch lost all patience.
WITCH: I've lost all patience with you people. I'm going to eat you now.

WITCH starts towards HANSEL.

GRETEL: No! Please don't eat my brother!
WITCH: Stupid girl! Go get the oven ready.

GRETEL goes to get the oven ready while WITCH unlocks HANSEL's cage. She drags him to the oven.

WITCH: Well? Come on, girl, I haven't got all day. I'm starving!

GRETEL flounders.

WITCH: Hurry up! Test the temperature, will you.
GRETEL: What? I don't understand...
WITCH: (impatiently, letting go of HANSEL) Urgh, I'll show you then.

WITCH leans over into the oven.

WITCH: See? It's really very simple.

HANSEL and GRETEL push WITCH into the oven. She screams and burns. And dies. Obviously.

NARR. 2: And so that was the end of the witch. 
NARR. 1: It's all getting a little dramatic...
NARR. 2: Indeed.


SCENE EIGHT
Grandma's house
ENSEMBLE are in the same positions as Scene Six. WOLF, posing as Grandma, is sitting CS with his back to the audience.

NARR. 1: Back at Grandma's house-
NARR. 2: Well, the house that was Grandma's house when she was alive-
NARR. 1: But isn't now-
NARR. 2: On account of her being eaten.
NARR. 1: Well, I'm sure it still counts as her house, even if she's eaten.
NARR. 2: Maybe.
NARR. 1: Well. The house that may or may not count as Grandma's house any more, but certainly was her house when she was alive.
NARR. 2: That's the one.
NARR. 1: The wolf-
NARR. 2: Having eaten Grandma-
NARR. 1: Was lying in wait for Little Red Riding Hood-
NARR. 2: So he could eat her too.
NARR. 1: Ah, here she comes.

RED RIDING HOOD enters SR.

RED RIDING HOOD: Hello, Grandma, I'm here at last! Sorry I'm so late - a guy in the woods gave me rubbish directions...
WOLF: (in a high, wavering voice) Come closer to me, my dear. I want to see you.

RED RIDING HOOD goes closer to WOLF.

RED RIDING HOOD: My, what big ears you have! Is that a normal symptom of 'flu?
WOLF: Ah, they're all the better to hear you with, my dear.
RED RIDING HOOD: And what big eyes you have! You might want to see the doctor about that...
WOLF: All the better to see you with, my dear.
RED RIDING HOOD: And what big teeth you have! I-
WOLF: (interrupting her and leaping up) All the better to eat you with!

WOLF eats RED RIDING HOOD. ENSEMBLE crowds in like they did for GRANDMA, and there are eating sounds and screams. ENSEMBLE crouches down around WOLF.

NARR. 1: Wow, what a meal! He must've been so full.
NARR. 2: Yes, and that wasn't so good for him.
NARR. 1: How do you mean?
NARR. 2: Watch and see. (to the audience) Wolf had Grandma and Red Riding Hood so quickly that they were, in fact, still alive in his belly.
NARR. 1: Oh, I love this bit!
NARR. 2: And so they began to move around...

GRANDMA and RED RIDING HOOD, who are crouched behind WOLF, start to stick their arms out between the ENSEMBLE members.

NARR. 2: More...

The movement gets more urgent.

NARR. 2: And more... 

And again.

NARR. 2: And more, until finally...

ENSEMBLE stands up, WOLF howls, there is a huge ripping sound.

NARR. 2: The wolf was ripped in two.

ENSEMBLE suddenly crouch again, WOLF does too. As NARR. 1 speaks, RED RIDING HOOD and GRANDMA step out from among the ENSEMBLE and exit SL.


NARR. 1: And so Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother stepped out of the wolf's skin.
NARR. 2: (sullenly) And lived happily ever after, no doubt.
NARR. 1: Well... Yes...
NARR. 2: I knew it.


SCENE NINE
the forest
ENSEMBLE are in their randomly dotted tree positions, like Scene Two, except they are all SR. DUCK is CS in a 'river'. HANSEL and GRETEL enter SR.

NARR. 1: In the woods
NARR. 2: Still.
NARR. 1: Hansel and Gretel were running home from the evil old witch's house, where, on a search for food, they had found a huge chest full of gold and silver and jewels.
NARR. 2: Conveniently.
NARR. 1: But, because they didn't have their breadcrumb trail, they were still very lost.
NARR. 2: Eventually, they came to a river.

HANSEL and GRETEL stop CS.

GRETEL: Oh look, a duck.
HANSEL: I wonder if he knows the way home?

NARR. 1: And so they asked the duck to take them home.
HANSEL: Please, Mr Duck, could you take us home?

DUCK quacks.

GRETEL: I think that means yes...
NARR. 2: And so they climbed on the duck's back.

HANSEL and GRETEL stand behind DUCK, and they start walking SL. As they do so, the trees SR shuffle offstage and FATHER shuffles on SL.

NARR. 1: Luckily, the duck knew the way home-
NARR. 2: And so Hansel and Gretel were home in no time.

DUCK exits SR.

HANSEL & GRETEL: Father! 
FATHER: My children!

They run CS and embrace.

HANSEL: Where's our stepmother?
FATHER: Oh, I dealt with her.
GRETEL: Father, look what we found!

They show him the jewels.

FATHER: Incredible!
NARR. 1: And so they lived happily ever after, too.
NARR. 2: I think everyone does. Except maybe the duck.
NARR. 1: Yeah, I don't know what happened to him...
EVERYONE: The End.

Exeunt omnes.

Play: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

This is a very flexible play to perform, because it can be done with a varying number of cast. All the characters, except the two narrators, can double up as other characters and even ensemble. There is a lot of physical theatre, however, and it was written for a cast of around 30. It should last around 20 minutes. This is the first in a series of three fairytale-based short plays.





CHARACTERS:
Snow White
Evil Queen
Magic Mirror
Narrator 1
Narrator 2
Good Queen
King
Huntsman
Prince
Servant
Guards
Dwarves
Boar
Ensemble



SCENE ONE
the castle
ENSEMBLE stands in a semi-circle around the stage, facing outwards (backs to the audience). NARRATORs 1 & 2 stand DCS. The GOOD QUEEN stands slightly behind them, the KING behind her. When anyone good speaks, NARR. 1 stands behind/beside them, holding the microphone for them. NARR. 2 does the same for anyone bad.

NARR. 1: This is a story of happiness, loyalty, and the ultimate true love...
NARR. 2: And dwarves. And death.

They split. NARR. 1 goes DSR, NARR. 2 goes DSL.

NARR. 1: (aside) Glad to see someone's providing an optimistic view... Anyway. Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a good and wise king, with his good and wise queen.
NARR. 2: However, they were both very sad.
NARR. 1: A bit of an over-exaggeration, but yes.
NARR. 2: Because they couldn't have kids.
NARR. 1: But! One day, the queen wished for a daughter...
GOOD QUEEN: I wish for a daughter with hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow, and lips as red as blood...
NARR. 2: She was a little morbid.
NARR. 1: But, luckily, she got her wish, and gave birth to a beautiful baby daughter, whom she named Snow White.

SNOW WHITE enters from UCS. She kneels by her mother, who takes her hand and walks forwards slowly.

NARR. 1: For three glorious years, the family lived in blissful happiness...
NARR. 2: Until the queen died.

GOOD QUEEN collapses. NARR. 2 drags her body off.

NARR. 1: Undeterred, the king Snow White's father remarried.
NARR. 2: This time to an evil old hag.

Enter the EVIL QUEEN. NARR. 2 stands between them.

NARR. 2: You are now man and wife. (to the king) Good luck. (walking forwards to his USR position) This new, evil queen was horrible to absolutely everyone, especially Snow White.
NARR. 1: Well, at least it wasn't all bad - Snow White's daddy was still alive...
NARR. 2: Yeah.... But not for long...

The KING collapses.

NARR. 2: He died under... mysterious circumstances.

NARR. 2 drags his body off. SNOW WHITE goes DSR.

NARR. 1: Oh. Well.
NARR. 2: Not only was this new queen really incredibly evil, but she was also really incredibly vain.
NARR. 1: Every day, she would ask her magic mirror:

EVIL QUEEN stands SL.

EVIL QUEEN: Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
NARR. 1: And every day, the mirror would reply:
MIRROR: You are the fairest, O queen.
NARR. 1: And so the years passed, and Snow White grew to be a kind and beautiful young girl.
NARR. 2: Worse luck for her.
NARR. 1: Until one day, when the evil queen asked the magic mirror her usual question, the mirror replied:
MIRROR: Snow White is the fairest, O queen.
EVIL QUEEN: WHAT?!
NARR. 2: As you can imagine, she wasn't very happy about that.

As he speaks, SNOW WHITE turns and runs off SL. EVIL QUEEN glares at her. Then she starts pacing up and down.

NARR. 2: The evil queen thought and thought...
NARR. 1: Until she came up with her evil plan:
NARR. 2: She would kill Snow White!
EVIL QUEEN: Eureka! I'll kill Snow White!
NARR. 2: A bit slow, isn't she?
EVIL QUEEN: Huntsman!

Enter HUNTSMAN SL.

EVIL QUEEN: Take Snow White deep into the forest and kill her. Then bring me her liver and lungs. I want to eat them.
HUNTSMAN: Very well, O queen.

He exits SL.

NARR. 1: She had an odd taste in food, this queen.


SCENE TWO
the forest
ENSEMBLE move to be dotted around the stage at different heights and in different 'tree' positions. Enter HUNTSMAN SL, dragging SNOW WHITE. He drags her CS, where they stop. As they pass the trees, they 'claw' at SNOW WHITE.

NARR. 1: So the Huntsman took Snow White deep into the forest...
NARR. 2: And prepared to kill her.
HUNTSMAN: I'm going to kill you.
SNOW WHITE: No! Please! (begs)
HUNTSMAN: Oh, fine. I won't kill you. But you'll have to run further into the forest if you want to be safe from your wicked stepmother.
NARR. 1: She did.

Exit SNOW WHITE SR.

NARR. 2: Hey, wait! You're meant to kill her!
HUNTSMAN: Yeah, I know. But she'll probably die in the forest anyway.
NARR. 2: Oh, okay then. That's all right. But what are you going to tell the queen?
NARR. 1: Just then, a small, cute, furry little boar came gambling through the forest...

BOAR runs past from SR.

NARR. 2: So the Huntsman killed it. And he took out its liver and lungs to give to the queen.
NARR. 1: And off he went, back to the castle.


SCENE THREE
the castle
ENSEMBLE are in the same positions as Scene One. EVIL QUEEN is standing SR. HUNTSMAN enters from SL.

EVIL QUEEN: Well?
HUNTSMAN: Here are the liver and lungs of Snow White, O queen.

He exits. EVIL QUEEN eats the liver and lungs.

NARR. 2: And so the evil queen ate what she believed to be the liver and lungs of Snow White.
NARR. 1: (makes some general noise of disgust)
EVIL QUEEN: Finally! Now I am the fairest of them all! (evil cackle)

Exits.


SCENE FOUR
the wood
The same as Scene Two, except eight people make the 'cottage', USC. Four people have their backs to the audience, the other four are at right-angles, facing SR and SL respectively. SNOW WHITE enters from SR. When she approaches the cottage, the 'trees' around it 'melt' backwards to create a clearing.

NARR. 1: But Snow White didn't die in the forest.
NARR. 2: Damn!
NARR. 1: Instead, she found a lovely little cottage, deep in the woods.

SNOW WHITE reaches the cottage.

SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little cottage! I'll just go inside for a minute, and see if anyone's home.


SCENE FIVE
the cottage
ENSEMBLE move from their 'tree' positions to create the inside of the cottage. They all face inwards, creating a half box shape. SNOW WHITE enters through the 'door', USC.

SNOW WHITE: Oh, how sweet! But I'm so tired...

SNOW WHITE falls asleep DSC.

NARR. 1: Snow White was so tired that she fell asleep, there and then.
NARR. 2: I believe that's called breaking and entering.
NARR. 1: Shut up. Anyway. Before too long, the owners of the house returned home after a long day's work...

Enter DWARVES from USC. They create a horse-shoe around the sleeping SNOW WHITE. When they're standing there, they all gasp. On the last (huge) gasp, SNOW WHITE wakes up suddenly.

SNOW WHITE: Oh!
DWARF: Who are you?
DWARF: What are you doing in our house?
SNOW WHITE: My name is Snow White. I just fell asleep in your house for a minute. I'm really sorry. You see, my mother died when I was just a baby...
NARR. 1: And so Snow White told the dwarves the whole story. By the time she was finished, the dwarves were so completely in love with this beautiful young girl that they told her she could stay in their house.
NARR. 2: As long as she did all the cooking, all the cleaning, washed all their clothes, scrubbed the floor...
NARR. 1: I see you're the voice of optimism, as ever. Well. In the morning, the dwarves all had to leave for work.

The DWARVES leave USC, all except for one DWARF, who turns to face SNOW WHITE.

NARR. 1: But before they left, they gave her one last piece of advice:
DWARF: Don't open the door to anyone.

He exits.

NARR. 1: Snow White assured the dwarves that she was fine, that she was no longer in danger.
NARR. 2: But Snow White was wrong. She was in danger.


SCENE SIX
the castle
Quick scene change, back to ENSEMBLE positions for Scene Three. EVIL QUEEN is CSR.

NARR. 1: Because when her wicked stepmother asked the magic mirror her question that morning, the mirror replied:
MIRROR: Snow White is the fairest, O queen.
EVIL QUEEN: WHAT?!
NARR. 1: And so the evil queen came up with a terrible plan...
NARR. 2: She would kill Snow White. Again.


SCENE SEVEN
the cottage
Another quick scene change, back to ENSEMBLE positions for Scene Four. SNOW WHITE is CS, sweeping. The EVIL QUEEN, disguised as an OLD WOMAN, appears UCS behind the 'door/window' thing.

OLD WOMAN: Lace for sale! Beautiful lace! (catching sight of SNOW WHITE) Ah, my pretty, come buy some lace!
SNOW WHITE: Oh, thank you, you're so kind. (she starts towards OLD WOMAN)
NARR. 1: But then Snow White remembered the dwarves' advice.
SNOW WHITE: (stopping, to herself) No, I can't believe that such a nice old woman could possibly be a danger. And besides, my stepmother thinks I'm dead. (to OLD WOMAN) Please, come in!

OLD WOMAN enters.

OLD WOMAN: (picking out some lace) Here, some lovely lace for your bodice. Would you like me to tie it for you?
SNOW WHITE: Oh, yes, thank you.

OLD WOMAN ties the lace. SNOW WHITE falls to the ground. OLD WOMAN, cackling, exits USC.

NARR. 1: Poor Snow White. But it's not the end, because when the dwarves came back from work...

Enter DWARVES USC. They make the horse-shoe again. When they're in position, the first DWARF  unties the lace, while the others gasp. By the time the last DWARF  does his huge gasp, it's untied. SNOW WHITE wakes up on the huge gasp.

SNOW WHITE: Oh!
NARR. 1: And so the dwarves saved Snow White.
NARR. 2: Damn!

DWARVES exit USC, apart from two DWARVES, who turn to SNOW WHITE.

NARR. 1: But then the next morning, when the dwarves left for work, they gave her the same warning:

DWARVES: Don't open the door to anyone.

They exit.

NARR. 1: This time, Snow White was sure that nothing could possibly happen to her.
NARR. 2: But yet again, she was wrong.
NARR. 1: Because that morning, when the evil queen asked her mirror the usual question, it replied...
MIRROR: (from offstage) Snow White is the fairest, O queen. 
EVIL QUEEN: (from offstage) WHAT?!
NARR. 1: And so she came up with a new plan, one that was sure to work...
NARR. 2: She would kill Snow White. (She wasn't very imaginative.)

SNOW WHITE is CS, sewing. EVIL QUEEN, disguised as a different OLD WOMAN, appears USC behind the 'door/window'.

OLD WOMAN: Come buy, come buy! Beautiful combs for your hair! My dear, come try on this lovely comb! 
SNOW WHITE: Oh! How lovely!
NARR. 1: But then Snow White remembered the dwarves warning...
SNOW WHITE: I'm sorry. I'm really not supposed to let anyone in.
OLD WOMAN: What a shame. I could just pass it through the door, if you like? I needn't come in...
SNOW WHITE: Oh, okay then. I'm sure that'll be fine. It's not as if you're dangerous, or anything...

OLD WOMAN hands a comb through the door to SNOW WHITE, who takes it and puts it in her hair. Immediately, she falls to the floor. OLD WOMAN exits USC, cackling.

NARR. 2: You'd think we'd finally reached the end of our story...
NARR. 1: But we haven't. Because, luckily, when the dwarves returned from their long day's work...

Enter DWARVES USC. They make the horse-shoe again. When they're in position, the first DWARF removes the comb, while the others gasp. By the time the last DWARF  does his huge gasp, it's been removed. SNOW WHITE wakes up on the huge gasp.

SNOW WHITE: Oh!
NARR. 1: And so the dwarves saved Snow White. Again.
NARR. 2: You'd think they'd have got bored of her by now...
NARR. 1: Evidently not. But then the next morning, when the dwarves left for work, they gave her the same warning:

All DWARVES turn to SNOW WHITE.

DWARVES: Don't open the door to anyone.

They exit USC.

NARR. 1: Snow White had a good feeling about today. She was absolutely sure that nothing could possibly happen to her...
NARR. 2: But yet again, she was wrong.
NARR. 1: Because that morning, when her wicked stepmother asked her mirror the usual question, it again replied:
MIRROR: (from offstage) Snow White is the fairest, O queen.
EVIL QUEEN: (from offstage) WHAT?!
NARR. 1: And so the evil queen came up with a new and improved plan...
TOGETHER: She would kill Snow White. Again.

EVIL QUEEN enters DSL, and talks to NARR. 2.

EVIL QUEEN: I've got a much better idea now. What I've done, is I've poisoned this apple, so that the red half is poisonous, but the green half is okay. What do you think?
NARR. 2: (sceptically) Uh... Yeah... I mean, that's sure to work...

EVIL QUEEN exits and reappears USC, disguised as a different OLD WOMAN. SNOW WHITE is CS, doing something or other.

OLD WOMAN: Apples! Sweet, red, juicy apples! Come taste one, my dear - free of charge!
SNOW WHITE: Oh! Oh, no... I really mustn't... You see, I'm  not allowed to open the door to anyone, and my past experience with old female peddlers hasn't been all that positive...
OLD WOMAN: Oh, come on, my dear! How about this one? (holds out an apple) Look how delicious it is! It's perfectly safe. (takes a bite)
SNOW WHITE: It does look very tasty... Okay. Pass it through the window, and then technically, I haven't opened the door to anyone.

SNOW WHITE goes to the window/door, whatever it is, and OLD WOMAN passes the apple to her. SNOW WHITE takes one bite and falls to the ground. OLD WOMAN pulls off her disguise.

EVIL QUEEN: Ha ha! Now I am the fairest of them all!

Exits, cackling.

NARR. 2: And so Snow White died, boo hoo, the end. Finally.
NARR. 1: No, actually. Just wait a minute, because the dwarves will be coming back from work any moment now... Ah yes, that's them now.

Enter DWARVES USC. They make the horse-shoe again. When they're in position they gasp. The last DWARF does his huge gasp. When it has no effect, he gasps again.

DWARF: Okay. Now what do we do?
NARR. 1: The dwarves scratched their beards for a bit,
NARR. 2: and finally came up with a plan...

A DWARF comes up to NARR. 1 and explains their plan.

DWARF: We'll build a glass coffin for Snow White, so her beauty will remain for ever.

DWARF goes back to the others, who gather round SNOW WHITE with their backs to the audience and start making the coffin.

NARR. 2: I didn't say it was a good plan.


SCENE EIGHT
the forest
ENSEMBLE move to be dotted around the stage at different heights and in different 'tree' positions. As NARR. 1 speaks, the DWARVES go back to their original horse-shoe positions behind SNOW WHITE, facing the audience.

NARR. 1: But anyway. So they built their coffin, and guarded it day and night. Until one day, when a handsome prince came riding by.

Enter PRINCE and SERVANT SR. They stand DSR. Then they see SNOW WHITE.

PRINCE: Oh, what a fair maiden! Tell me, dwarves, who is she?
DWARF: Her name is Snow White, and she was murdered by her evil stepmother who rules this land.
PRINCE: Oh. No chance of marrying her then, I suppose. (thinks) I know what I'll do. I'll take her in this coffin back to my palace, where I can always look at her beauty.
DWARF: We wouldn't part with Snow White for all the gold in the land!
PRINCE: She'd be very well cared for...
DWARF: Okay.
DWARF: We'll leave you to it, then.

The DWARVES exit SL. PRINCE exits SR. As NARR. 1 speaks, SERVANT mimes carrying the coffin on his shoulder.

NARR. 1: The Prince ordered his servant to carry Snow White in her coffin all the way back to his palace. But the coffin was so difficult to carry, and so heavy, that the servant soon grew tired of carrying her everywhere.

SERVANT puts down his mimed coffin, and turns to face SNOW WHITE.

SERVANT: I carry you everywhere, and you just lie there, you lazy- ! Why don't you just wake up and walk yourself for a change?

SERVANT slaps SNOW WHITE round the face, and she wakes up, choking. PRINCE enters SR.

PRINCE: Snow White! She's awake!
SERVANT: I did that.
NARR. 1: And so Snow White didn't die, and instead she married her handsome prince. They went away to his castle where they were married, and lived-
NARR. 2: No, wait, it's not quite the end yet.


SCENE NINE

the wedding
ENSEMBLE are standing around as wedding guests. PRINCE and SNOW WHITE are CS, ready to be married. DWARVES are generally mingling, as is SERVANT. EVIL QUEEN enters SL slowly.

NARR. 2: Because the evil queen, when asking her mirror the usual question, had been answered yet again with:
MIRROR: (from offstage) Snow White is the fairest, O queen.
NARR. 2: Which didn't please her one bit.
NARR. 1: In fact, it rather confused her.
NARR. 2: Having killed Snow White several times.
NARR. 1: And so she came to the wedding of Snow White and the Prince, to see if the rumours were true-
NARR. 2: The rumours that said the prince's bride was the fairest in the land.
NARR. 1: And so, just as the happy couple were about to be wed-
NARR. 2: She burst through the crowds in a fit of anger.

EVIL QUEEN bursts through the crowds in a fit of anger. Or whatever.

NARR. 1: The Prince ordered his guards to seize the queen: 
PRINCE: Guards! Seize her! 

GUARDS seize the EVIL QUEEN.

NARR. 2: And this is the best bit. He ordered the queen be forced to wear iron shoes, heated on hot coals.

GUARDS strap the shoes to the EVIL QUEEN's feet. She hops about, or whatever, burning, and eventually falls to the floor.

NARR. 1: So it finally was a happy ending.
NARR. 2: Not if you're the queen.
NARR. 1: Anyway.

SNOW WHITE and PRINCE embrace. NARRs 1&2 walk CS, so the couple are behind them.

NARRs 1&2: The End.

Exeunt omnes.